Feelings can be such a tricky thing. And in my case, they can be so incredibly intense. One thing I've learned through yoga and meditation is to allow myself to stop and actually FEEL what I'm feeling - acknowledge it instead of trying so hard to suppress it or pretend it's not happening.

So here I am... Relapsing on those butterflies in my belly again. Sometimes t makes me nauseous. Sometimes incredibly anxious. But only because I reroute my emotions, trying to "be cool" and "keep it together." It progressively becomes so much harder to do.

My heart keeps tugging... and tugging hard! I feel that I've changed and I've grown. I am more aware and in tune with the present. In the end, the truth is that my feelings might have only gotten that much more more REAL.

I don't know if it's love or lust or infatuation or what the fuck. I just can't make it stop. I've never felt this way before and I care so much. I don't have experience... I don't know what to do, but I don't want to fuck it up. "/

Unrequited love? :'(

2013 In Review
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
I asked someone to be my Valentine.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No, I screwed everything up. And yes I hope 2014 will be much better.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Everyone gave birth!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't leave the country this year... but I went to California and Colorado for the first time.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Health - physical and spiritual.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My birthday weekend. It was terrifying.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a full-time, permanent position after 4 years as a per-diem, float pool secretary.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Falling into a deep depression for too long. Isolating myself even more than I already was. Wallowing.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had laryngitis.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A plane ticket to LA... which turned out to be a solo trip to Santa Monica. I didn't know how much I needed it at the time.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My brother, William... who graduated with his BBA in Finance from FIU.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Shit happens.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and bullshit.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Traveling, concerts (Justin Timberlake, Jay Z, John Legend), and my FT/permanent job.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
House of Cards - Radiohead

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Unfortunately, about the same.

Fatter or thinner? Fatter.

Richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise, meditation, reading, writing...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying and isolating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas was spent at home in pajamas... dinner, opening gifts, hanging out with the family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?

22. How many one-night stands?

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost and Dexter and Breaking Bad and Grey's Anatomy.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I generally don't hate people.

25. What was the best book you read?
I'm not sure I even finished a book this year.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
A long list of artists I found through Slacker Radio.

27. What did you want and get?
The shitty truth.

28. What did you want and not get?
Health and love and happiness.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Catching Fire, Despicable Me 2, The Spectacular Now, About Time, This is the End, Thor: The Dark World, Monsters University, etc.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I celebrated my 29th birthday a few days early in Miami. Saw a burlesque show and went to a bar with friends and family. I traveled to CO on my actual birthday.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the Lotto.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Nothing new.

33. What kept you sane?
My family.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jennifer Lawrence. It's quite impossible not to love her.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
No comment.

36. Who did you miss?
People I love.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Probably my hostess in Santa Monica. She was so zen and welcoming when I was internally in such a dark place.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
No matter how much your heart hurts when it breaks... you must keep moving forward. The only person who loses in the end is you if you don't stand up for yourself and keep going.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

I find myself unable to focus/concentrate/think straight. I have two 13+ page term papers to write. One of them is due this coming Sunday which gives me technically less than 4 days considering I have to work all day tomorrow and Friday. I haven't even written one sentence! The other term paper is due next Saturday morning, giving me less than 5 days considering I won't be able to start working on that until Monday (when I'm all done with the first paper) and I will still have to work during the week.

If it were up to me, I would just take off from work until both papers are done and submitted. Sure that means absolutely no pay for that time... but it also means 40+ extra hours to spend attempting to focus solely on writing. Hmm, I probably should've asked for some time off during finals week. I really, really should have. Oh yeah, not only is my first paper due on Sunday - but I also have to take a final exam which includes at least two essay questions.

I feel like I'm in way over my head. :*( I am in debt after having to pay for the semester out of pocket, and I just can't afford to bring my grades down after struggling so much the entire semester. FML. I suppose I need to devise a plan and somehow manage to get my brain to function properly. I feel like I've hit a wall... and I need to find a way to get my thoughts flowing and, most importantly, my fingers typing!

Alas, it's getting late and I gotta leave my house at 7 AM tomorrow. Off I go to at least get a finalized outline to get me started. I. Am. Freaking. Out.

The end.

Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be fine.
Everything is going to be alright.

Quiero perderme contigo...
x I wish my heart had some sort of knob to lower the intensity of my emotions. It is so frustrating to be fully aware of what the fuck is going on, yet still feel this shit. UGH!!!

x I think I'm too loyal for my own good. It's unfair, and it shouldn't be this way. I guess loyalty isn't really gained the way trust is. Being loyal is just how I am, and I can't really help it. Whether you deserve it or not, I'm loyal to you. FUCK.

x I'm coming to this twisted realization that I really want to settle down. That all along I've been this "serious relationship" girl that just never got her chance. I want "the one" and that's it. I don't need anything in between; no traumatic experiences or heart breaks or drama. I don't need to date and experiment and blah blah blah. I just want my other half to have me too... and for us to just be happy and not alone anymore.

x I love my mom and my brother and sisters. I'm so grateful to have them in my life, and I can't imagine being without them. <3

x I need to stop thinking about a certain someone so much. It is useless to occupy so much of my thoughts with little fantasies. What matters in the end is what's REAL. The current reality is that we are almost strangers to each other. So why the hell am I so caught up?! I don't understand. I just want to know. (Patience, I know.)

x I'm probably making a really stupid decision by giving someone that has repeatedly disappointed me yet another opportunity. But I'm an idiot like that. I want to believe people are truly good inside and really do have good intentions. This will be the last time though. That's it.

x I'm going to stop thinking now and start watching Breaking Bad for the first time. I'm excited to have something new to watch... and something to keep me distracted. :)


Fuckity Fuck
take me to paris
So, after much thinking and thinking and rethinking and considering and reconsidering... I finally typed up my letter of resignation and quit my job at the cinema today. Kinda sucks, but I feel like a huge weight's been lifted. I can no longer be taken for granted. I deserve to be valued, and if you can't appreciate me or see my full potential... I gotta move on. I don't even want to get into the specifics. I'm just happy to be moving on. Too tired of feeling like a pushover. Always willing and giving and it never pays off. The beautiful people and the bitches and assholes have it so much easier. "/

At least I have an assignment with Baptist until mid-November. It's only 8:30a-12:30a, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays... but it's definitely better than nothing. I applied for unemployement (I didn't know I qualified since I've been working less than 30 hours a week until recently), but I need to do some skills assessment thing before I could claim any help. Gotta do that sometime this weekend! Hopefully it works out and I start getting a little help. Also, if/once I get unemployement I could also defer my student loans (temporarily). <<< That would be a huge help.

Anywho, I hope to be getting the fuck out of Miami sooner than later. Whether it be to start a new job or start grad school... I just can't wait to move on from this city. While still here, I hope I can find a place to call my home. Nothing against my family (that I love to death), but I completely feel like a moocher here, unable to really contribute much (financially). :( Plus, I really miss having my own space, privacy, freedom. I miss being able to get HOME and do my thing, freely. I'm too old for these restrictions. Bah.

In the mean time, I'm trying my best to just keep my head up and keep moving forward. It's hard when shit's fucked up and you feel alone. I miss the days I had someone to call my best friend. I miss having a social life to distract me from the thoughts in my head. Overall, I'm just tired of feeling lonely. Practically single since I was 15... that shit is tough on an emotional Cancer like myself. Obviously, I'm not trying to be in a relationship just to be in one (otherwise I wouldn't have been single this fucking long)... but dammit, how much longer until I meet my partner in crime? Please come to me soon. <3


OK. Moving on now. Much better.


To speak or not to speak...
My head hurts again. I don't usually get headaches, but I had a really horrible one yesterday too. :( At least I was able to buy some Advil yesterday. Bah.

So, it seems I had a case of the insecurities. That plus the loneliness and the anxiety did not make a good combination. It feels good to get things out in the open, but sometimes some things are better left unsaid. So how does one learn to differentiate between one and the other? I'm not quite sure, but hopefully I could figure it out sooner than later.

Onward. Must keep moving forward. <<< Reminder to self.

Seriously Though...
I am going to revive my LiveJournal. I keep saying it and then immediately neglecting it again. But not this time. I need a way to vent and journal and just release my neurotic energies. I think this is the right spot (especially because the majority of folk won't even be reading my shit and then talking shit). ^_^

Currently in the car with Jen and a sick, Bessy-in-pain. "/ Going to a little getty at Adrian & Keila's place a little later. Yay for friends and distractions from emotional torture. Ah.

Dear Neglected LiveJournal...
I'm coming back soon. ^_^

it's been a LONG time...
i have completely neglected this livejournal. there are quite a few reasons why. for whatever reason, i decided to log in today and it's brought back memories for sure. i was looking at my photo journal (forever_memoirs) and it really took me back. i have sooo many old photos posted on there. things were SO different back in those days. better? worse? i can't say. some things have been worse, some better. life is a rollercoaster, so i can just say things have been... different. new. changing.

a lot has happened since the last time i updated. i moved out on my own this year. one of my bestest friends, davidsito, just got married yesterday. cindy (bessy's cousin) is a mommy. my beautiful friend jessica is pregnant with a lil baby boy. i saw roger waters/pink floyd this past friday (!!!!). my little sister graduated from high school. so on and so forth.

many things still haven't changed (unfortunately). for some things... it's just too late. for others, there's still an opportunity for change (for the better of course). just about half of the year is already gone. i find it hard to believe sometimes... just how fast time is going by. i turn TWENTY-THREE this year!!! in just about 2 months!! i know it may not seem like such a big deal, and it really isn't. but i'm still having trouble accepting reality. seems like i was in high school just yesterday, but it's been 6 years already. "/

where has the time gone? over the years, people have come and gone in and out of my life. i hope the ones that are still around are the real deal (i think they are). it's when times get toughtest that you're able to separate you're true friends from those just making a pit stop in your life. i miss so many of those friends that are no longer a part of my life. what they don't know is that they'll always be in my heart. i still love them, and i still think about them and remember. i wonder how they're doing... and i hope whatever they're up to and wherever they may be, that they're happy.

i'm still "alone" but surrounded by friends... the reason i keep my sanity. ;) don't know when the right person will finally enter my world, but i'll keep waiting. the world still turns. the sun still shines. the wind still blows. life goes on. one minute can change everything. one word. one look. i believe in my heart there's someone out there waiting for me too... and i want it to be perfect when we meet. so, i'm keeping my hands out of destiny's way. ;)

maybe i'll start updating this thing again. it'll help me ease my mind. plus, it'll help me remember how i spend my time.

<3 katt

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